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‘Would speaking help?’
A lot of people who have been sexually abused
feel the need to speak
to someone about the
effects it has had on their lives.

No matter how long ago
your partner was abused,
her feelings about what happened are important.
She has the right to be listened to, no matter
what she wants to say.

Through speaking about
the abuse she may well
be able to overcome the difficulties that she experiences as an adult
and come to terms with
what has happened.

Information for friends and family of survivors

It is important for a survivor of rape, sexual abuse or sexual exploitation to be listened to, and believed, whether they have just been attacked, or are talking about events that happened some time ago, for example, in their childhood.

This page aims to give some helpful information on how to respond if you are in the situation where a family member, partner or friend has just started speaking out about their own experience of rape, child sexual abuse or sexual exploitation.

How Common is Sexual Abuse?
It is estimated that up to 1 in 3 people experience some form of sexual abuse. In more than three quarters of cases, an adult the child knows and
trusts commits the abuse. 

The vast majority of abusers are men but women also sexually abuse.

Don’t ..
Don't tell them to forget about it. Don't say, “it happened a long time ago, why does it suddenly bother you now?” Healing can take time and some people block or try to forget traumatic events. This is a way of coping with what has happened. Remembering can be triggered by events such as the birth of a baby, a T.V. programme, marriage, changing job, starting a new relationship etc.

Don't ask them why they didn’t fight back. People can freeze when confronted with a terrifying situation and this can make them feel guilty or to blame for what has happened.

Don't ask why they didn’t say anything sooner. If it happened when they where young they may have tried to tell but been ignored or disbelieved. They may have been threatened or been too frightened to say anything.

Don't tell them what to do. They need to be in control of their own decisions about matters that affect them. You can help them to explore options that are available to them.

Don't pressure them into doing, or talking about things they are not ready to face. When they are ready they will speak.

How can I help?

Listen - To what she has to say and let her take her time. It might not be easy for her to start talking about an event that she has kept silent about for a long time. It may be difficult because she may have been told not to tell by the abuser at the time.

Believe - People rarely lie about rape or sexual abuse. Why would they? It is important to believe what they are saying. Respect - Both her feelings and decisions. If she feels like crying, let her, it can be part of her healing process. Remember - It is not her fault - no-one asks to be abused or deserves it and she cannot be blamed for not preventing the abuse. The blame always lies with abuser.

Recognise - The courage it takes for a survivor to speak must be recognised and praised. It takes a great deal of courage to face up to fears and also to talk about their experience.

What about sexual contact?

If it is your partner that has just been attacked or has remembered some past abuse which she has blocked out, she may find sexual and intimate contact difficult. It is important to realise that it is not something to do with you - it is to do with the feelings and memories she has.

Reassure her and let her take things at her own pace. With your help, patience and understanding, she can heal from the trauma.

I’m feeling so many things – what can I do? You may be feeling angry, upset, disbelief, guilt; the feelings you are experiencing are justified, but may add to the upset for the survivor. She may feel responsible for upsetting you or may feel disbelieved. Seek support from a trusted friend or family member or contact us at the Centre – we can provide contact number of organisations that can help.

Child sexual Abuse - Rape and/or Sexual Assault - Impact of rape and/or sexual abuseInformation for family and friends- Information for workers - Flashbacks - Personal Safety - Police and Courts - Possible signs of child sexual abuse - Ritual Abuse
Self-harm - Sexual Harrassment at Work - Suicide -