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INFORMATION
FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF SURVIVORS
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INTRODUCTION
It
is important for a survivor of rape or sexual abuse to be listened
to, and believed, whether they have just been attacked, or are talking
about events that happened some time ago, for example, in their
childhood.
This
leaflet aims to give some helpful information on how to respond
if you are in the situation where a family member, partner or friend
has just started speaking out about their own experience of rape
or child sexual abuse.
DO
NOT...
Don't tell them to forget about it. Don't say, "it
happened a long time ago, why does it suddenly bother you now?"
Healing can take time and some people block or try to forget traumatic
events. This is a way of coping with what has happened. Remembering
can be triggered by events such as the birth of a baby, a T.V. programme,
marriage, changing job, starting a new relationship etc....
Don't
ask them why they didn't fight back. People can freeze when confronted
with a terrifying situation.
Don't
ask why they didn't say anything sooner. If it happened when they
where young they may have tried to tell but been ignored or disbelieved.
They may have been threatened or been too frightened to say anything.
Most people do try to tell someone at some time.
Don't
tell them what to do. They need to be in control of their own decisions
about matters that affect them. You can help them to explore options
that are available to them.
Don't
pressure them into doing, or talking about things they are not ready
to face. When they are ready they will speak.
HOW
CAN I HELP?
Listen - To what she has to say and let her
take her time. It might not be easy for her to start talking about
an event that she has kept silent about for a long time. It may
be difficult because she may have been told not to tell by the abuser
at the time.
Believe
- People rarely lie about rape or sexual abuse. Why would they?
It is important to believe what they are saying.
Respect
- Both her feelings and decisions. If she feels like crying, let
her, it can be part of her healing process.
Remember
- It is not her fault - no-one asks to be abused or deserves it
and she cannot be blamed for not preventing the abuse. The blame
lies with abuser.
Recognise
- The courage it takes for a survivor to speak must be recognised
and praised. It takes a great deal of courage to face up to fears
and also to talk about any sexual experience.
WHAT
ABOUT SEXUAL CONTACT?
If
it is your partner that has just been attacked or has remembered
some past abuse, which she has blocked out, she may find sexual
and intimate contact difficult. It is important to realise that
it is not something to do with you - it is to do with the feelings
and memories she has. Reassure her and let her take things at her
own pace. With your help, patience and understanding, she can heal
from the trauma.
WHAT
ABOUT MY FEELINGS?
The feelings you are experiencing are justified,
but may add to the upset for the survivor. She may feel responsible
for upsetting you. Seek support from a trusted friend or family
member or contact us at the Centre.
Dundee
Women's Aid (01382) 202 525
Samaritans
(08457) 909 090
Genito-Urinary
Clinic (01382) 425 542
Police
(Family Protection Unit) (01382) 665 117
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